I agree almost completely with Michele here--

What is Visitation?
by Michelle Etlin

(Journal of the Child Custody Task Group of the National Organization for Men Against Sexism vol. 4, 14 (1992).

What are the dynamics of "visitation," the various degrees of "visitation," and "access" with respect to a child who has been molested? [I think the word "access" is more accurate, since it really does semantically imply the reality, that is, the adult has *access to the child,* much as if the child were a prostitute or a service-provider or a piece of property to which that adult has rights.] It is commonly assumed that a child *must* visit her father, even if he has molested her, perhaps with some safeguard in place (for a brief time, at least) to prevent him from molesting her again.

What happens in our courts in the general case of a father accused of sexual abuse of his own biological or legal offspring? First, perpetrators are routinely advised by their lawyers to immediately sue for custody of the child when an accusation is made, so they can cast the problem as a "false allegation made to gain advantage in a custody dispute." The only reason this did not work for H was that he was the step-father, not the biological father, of D, so he couldn't sue for custody. Still, it was essential for his strategy that he not only act as if his victim was his own child, but as if the accusation was precipitated by divorce. Most important, he had to visit the victim, for two reasons: one, he could make contact with D to intimidate her so she would recant her allegation; and two, as long as he acted like a father and the mother wanted to prevent him from visiting, the allegations could be blamed on the mother (part of a custody/visitation battle) and denied.

At any point between revelation of the abuse and the final outcome of all court proceedings, visitation between a child and her named molester is almost a guarantee that the child will recant and the molester's version of the situation will dominate. Since, however, no charges have been proven against the molester during this period of time, access to the alleged victim is seen as his absolute right.

Let us examine the effects of visitation, unsupervised or supervised, upon a child who has been molested by a father or father figure.^1 First, I will consider unsupervised visitation. Even a five-minute unsupervised visit with the abuser (as long as he has denied the abuse) will be fatal to any attempt the child might make in the future to defend herself, in court, with social services, or in person. Obviously, since this visit has been permitted and she has been exposed to unsupervised contact with the abuser, there will never again be a guarantee that she will not be again turned over to his tender mercies, should she persist in pursuing her allegations. Any shred of trust she might have had in the system being able or even interested in protecting her is annihilated in an instant. All a molester needs to do with *one minute alone with that child* is to say, "see, you're here with me alone. If you continue to *lie about me like your mother told you to do,* then next time we are alone -- and there will be a next time -- you'll be sorry."

If this scene seems extreme, ask yourself if a man who has already molested a child and called her a liar would have any problem inflicting this kind of intimidation on her. Ask also whether this kind of intimidation is believable when we think, for instance, about interactions between people involved in organized crime. They have no more to lose than a molester, if his victim is believed. Yet this sort of criminal coercion is believable to us when we attribute it to members of a brutal semi-foreign system we call "the family" -- meaning the Mafia. We're used to seeing them on TV intimidating and terrorizing their prey and each other. We are not used to seeing, on TV or elsewhere, a child abuser acting this way with his own biological child. But no member of the Mafia is under more control by his Don than a child is under control by her abuser parent.

What, then, can be expected from supervised visitation with a molester who does not admit what he has done, and thus wants his victim's revelations to be disbelieved? First of all, supervised visitation sets up a paradigm for the child to follow. In the past, contact between the abuser and victim was unsupervised, and the abuser did something he made the child feel *part of.* The primary thought in a child's mind when she is being molested is -- *how should she act?* Then she must carefully design how she should act *every single minute after being molested, because she never feels normal and natural again.* Mark these words: nothing, nothing, ever feels normal and natural again for a child who has been molested. So, when a supervised visit occurs, the supervisor is seen as a powerful, authoritative figure defining -- *not how the abuser should act but how the child must act.* This is the case because a child is not accustomed to anyone defining adult behavior (especially if she has been molested, and obviously adult behavior is completely unpredictable and uncontrollable and out of bounds) -- she's used to adults defining children's behavior. Therefore, a visitation supervisor is perceived by a child as someone who lets her know what interactions are acceptable and valid -- for her. Since the supervisor does not discuss the parent's abusive actions with him and the child, the child learns they are not to be discussed. Since the supervisor does not display outrage and anger toward the adult, the child learns they are not acceptable. Since the supervisor covers over the reality of this enforced access, and pretends things are normal, the child's reality is altered and her need to "pretend normal" is insidiously reinforced. Since the supervisor facilitates the availability of the child for the pleasant pastime of the adult, the child's belief in her own status as a commodity -- as a prostitute, really -- is sealed.

Supervisors are often members of the abuser's family, friends, allies, or other persons completely acceptable to and supportive of him. This reinforces in the child's mind not only the father's right of access to her but the apparent approval of the molester and his behavior by other adults. Visitation supervisors who are cordial, at least, and encouraging, at most, of the molester's parental role with the child become major forces to be considered by her in deciding how to conduct herself. If the supervisors are not family and friends of the molester but, rather, official persons such as social workers, they are seen in the child's mind as defining how she is to behave in the presence of other official persons (social workers, prosecutor-interviewers, police, judges, lawyers, courts). Since the visitation supervisors uniformly adopt a bland and *accommodating attitude* toward the molester, *as if nothing happened,* this is a powerful message to the child that when she is with such authoritative and official persons, she is required to do likewise.

Supervised visits with a molester also set up a clear preference for the *pretend good visit* interaction and the fake smile, something that causes rapid psychological deterioration in any child who has already suffered child sexual abuse. During visits, the supervisor acts as if nothing had happened wrong between father and child, and as if the father loves the child and the extra person is there to enforce a certain kind of protocol upon, and to bless, the interaction. The protocol is cool, dishonest, fraudulent and deadly. The supervisor invariably acts in a polite and *accommodating manner* to the father, setting an example for the child as to what is socially acceptable in the circumstances. What this does to the child's fragile psyche is to remove permission from the child to be angry, withdrawn, afraid or honest about her feelings. She is supposed to, and does, act as if the offense had not occurred -- returning her to the condition she suffered during the abuse. At worst, every supervised visit is an emotional replay of the disassociative feelings of being molested; at best, every supervised visit tells the child, very clearly: ACCOMMODATE THE ABUSE! You are to pretend nothing happened because Daddy pretends nothing happened and even this stranger who has authority agrees that *we all pretend nothing happened.* This is the correct way for everyone to behave.

Yes, *supervised visitation,* in its own subtle psycho-tyrannical manner, *is more invalidating to the child victim* than any other form of coercion.

Any clear thinker must realize that pleasant socially-approved contact with a person who has not only grievously injured a child but who also has denied he did so and called the child a liar, is contraindicated if we truly wish to support the victim-child's mental health and emotional strength, and particularly if we look forward to her being able to testify, continue to heal, and/or defend herself in the future.

The only non-harmful supervised visit I can imagine between a molested child and her molester would go like this: the supervisor would first tell the child that nobody's comfort or feelings are important except the child's, and that if she is uncomfortable, the visit will end instantly. The molester would enter the room and the visitation supervisor would turn to the molester and say, "do you admit that you hurt [the child]?" If he denied it, the supervisor would turn to the child and say, "do you feel comfortable?" If the answer was no, that would end the visit. Anything else or further is invariably and undeniably invalidating, because the only real message that should be given to the molester in denial is this: your denial is not acceptable or accepted. The child's revelation is 100 percent acceptable and accepted. She has every right to be angry and you have no right to interfere and most important, you have no *"right" of access to her.*

Incidentally, if we were not all half brain-washed by the nonsense that is published about children and best interests, we would realize that it would be crazy-making to entertain a child and her molester with a smile on, making small talk and not mentioning the little "problem," rather than saying to him, in her presence, "HOW DARE YOU EXPECT HER TO PLAY WITH YOU WHEN YOU MOLESTED HER AND REFUSED TO EVEN APOLOGIZE! GET OUT!"

Therefore, any visitation with a molester is abuse of the child unless and until the child has healed from the trauma and genuinely *wants contact* for her own reasons, on her own terms, and in her own time. That would occur, if at all, completely outside the issue of "parental rights." The only thing visitation can do, if it is requested by the parent rather than the child, is to oppress and psychologically damage the child. The only thing visitation between a victim-child and her perpetrator can do is to further empower the abuser to silence the child. Unsupervised visitation between an indicted molester and his named victim is a clear opportunity for the accused criminal to threaten the witness. *Visitation is the key to re- establishing control over the victim child and, in the context of a criminal proceeding, it is the key to breaking down the child witness.*

The dynamics of the H case illustrate the model for *litigation,* as a "custody battle," *of the right to rape* -- that is, the prototypical and omnipotent father's right. A father, any father, has an undeniable, indeed inalienable right to access to his biological property. This case illustrates how paraphiliac convicted child molester H's right to rape was litigated and enforced.


Reference

^1 I am aware that there are female molesters and male victims. The majority of cases with a single perpetrator, however, are still father/daughter incest cases. I am using this for ease of reference in this article, bearing in mind that our language does not at present have a means for me to express these ideas with greater gender neutrality without sacrificing readability.

Where credit is due...

My most recent divorce post was in tribute to my friend Harlan from AZ. Someone suggested that no man could write that stuff-well, he did. I may have changed some of the thoughts or words around-but it in essence is still Harlan's help...


http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/background.html

Divorce - It Really is Over- (a special note for a friend)

Even when both parties to a divorce want out, the divorce is still traumatic.


It still hits you ..........

........right between the eyes.

Even if you feel the divorce was long over-due, when it finally happens you still feel a terrible sense of defeat.

It brings shock, depression and a personal sense of loss.


FRIENDS EVAPORATE-------

Divorce becomes more of a disaster in that when you need friends the most - you don't have them.


You now need new friends.

Most of all you need a security blanket friend.

Your old friends are going to be of little value - .........


....... often making things worse by trying to get you back together again, or constantly irritating you by what your ex- said or did, etc., etc.

A security blanket friend is one that can be of the same or opposite sex.
One that calls and listens to you, and when you're alone has you over to their house. Someone who respects and loves you and is there to help you through it all.


Everybody in adjusting needs a security blanket friend, basically to always have somebody to talk to when you need help, they help you.


When you have doubts, they give you self-confidence.
When you feel weak, they share their strength with you.


You need someone you can trust.

In colleges, they say that the highest suicide rate is among freshmen.
They have been uprooted from a lifetime of family and well-established friends and find themselves in a strange place with no family and no ready-made friends.


The adjustment period is highly traumatic.
Many drop out - not because they fail academically.......
........ but because they just can't hack this intolerable aloneness.


You are going through a similar experience of having to find and develop new single friends, people you can interact with.
So, you will need to go out and associate with other singles, not so much to develop relationships with the opposite sex but singles of either sex to have as friends.



You will find yourself making shameless, desperate calls to friends at times and even to your ex-.
Best have plenty of friends and completely get the former mate - out of your system as soon as possible by eliminating all contact.

You will have times when you feel absolutely desperate, your stomach will feel like you are free-falling from a plane and your parachute won't open.

Yet, you may be the world's most successful person in your field.

You may be able to handle anything - business-wise - but
you will still have a tremendous time being able to handle the pain when you lose somebody you want - but they don't want you.

Maybe you were planning to leave them but they beat you to it.



Nevertheless, it still hurts.......

You will find yourself checking on them to see how they are doing without you.
Any news of the ex's activities will be eagerly sought out - no matter how many steps or how big the chain of persons the news has gone through to get to you.


You have to let go- recognize it is over.
Turn off the blame-making machinery.
Allow yourself a mourning period.

Do not deny the reality that it is over.

You will have to recover from separation shock and realize that it was not an amputation.


You are still whole.

As soon as you are tired of the tears ......
....... get yourself busy with something (anything).

Get out by forcing yourself to get out even though you really don't feel like it yet.


Keep your new relationship for companionship and pleasure and learn to leave your ex- completely out of the picture.
There will be times when you have a relapse and wonder if you shouldn't have tried harder to make it work.


Why should you try to do something you didn't want to do?
You mulled it over and know you were unhappy for a long time before the divorce and you know you have made the right decision.


Once again, no back-tracking, you are burning your bridges behind you and you are letting go of the past in order to get with the program of building a great new future.

You no longer deny the reality that it is over.

You will not resent your ex for not being there.

You will tune out your ex.as much as possible.

Consider it all water over the dam and you don't have time to dwell or be bothered by someone or something that has no part in your bright new future just over the horizon.


You can now get on with the program of making life meaningful once again.



True, you will undoubtedly have some relapses.

You may fall into periods of hostility, guilt or even as far back as bewilderment, but you will not get locked in on these going back -less and less for shorter and shorter periods and finally not at all.

You will have let go, you will eliminate the pull of the past and move on now into the most enriching period of your life and become a happier, stronger individual, a special somebody with your own identity.


You have learned to come to terms with the past. You have recognized what is self- defeating behavior and you are now changing
it.


You are now improving on the past and taking the time and making whatever effort is necessary to create a fuller life.

You are now enroute to make life meaningful once again, for all of us. We are waiting for you....

Favorite Quotes for Positive Virtue Building

Failure is the opportunity to begin again, but more intelligently.

There’s no one giant step that does it, it’s a lot of little steps.

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.

Well done is better than well said.

No one knows what he/she can do until they try.

Man IS what he believes.

Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around their neck that say, “Make me feel important”, not only will you succeed in sales, but in life too.

If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.

The important thing, is to not stop questioning.

If you do what you have always done, you’ll get what you have always gotten.

Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will.

It took me a long time, not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.

-That’s all for today. Until next time…

Stop Being a Victim

What is a Victim? Someone who is out of control of their life. The key here is the word CONTROL. I am not talking about crime victims here.

You are a victim when your life stops working for you. When you are miserable, hurt, anxious, afraid to be yourself or not functioning in a manner that is self-enhancing, you are a victim.

As children, we were taught to be victims by our parents. Your strings were being pulled by your caregivers and there was nothing you could do about it. You couldn't support yourself and if you didn't like 'the rules' there were few alternatives to them. Running away from home proved how helpless you were without the family that had control over your little life.

As adults, sometimes we carry many left-over habits from our childhoods, which may have made sense then, but set you up as a victim now. Sometimes you feel run down by a 'big person' and have gotten so used to taking it that you still let it happen out of habit.

To get out of victim habits involves teaching the "old dog, new tricks". This won't be easy and like with everything else takes practice.

You won't always "get your way" in everything that comes along, but living as a non-victim gives you the option of not living your life expecting to be upset, immobilized or anxious about "such and such". These internal upsets are always self-imposed.

Today, I will show you a good first step toward not being a victim to yourself.

Learn to analyze without being negative or over-thinking situations. You would think, especially for my over analytical friends, that this would be easy for some - but it's not. You must have your eyes wide open to avoid circumstances which trap you into self-forfeiting actions. What does this mean in plain english? If everytime you go to Aunty's house, you know she is going to pester you about doing something you don't want to do. And, in past times of visiting you find yourself keeping your mouth shut, getting angry with her silently and doing whatever she wants just to make her happy, but doing it hastily just to get it over with - and you dread seeing her again...well, you get the idea. Keeping your eyes wide open means not only seeing the big picture but having some alternatives available in your mind, so you can create flexibility in your life.

Whatever your plans, never invest your own self-value in the success or failure, rather shift gears when necessary without being emotionally tied up.

Keeping a good ear to your own thoughts and spoken words is key to accomplishing this first step. Some common mind-sets that are sure-fire traps into self-victimization include:

~I get upset whenever I have to confront people-If you expect this, you will get it.

~I know I am going to lose-Instead decide that you'll win what you deserve.

~I hope they won't get upset for me asking-Being worried about their feelings puts "them" in control.

~I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings if I do what I want-This is not a license to be an "ass" or a jerk, but don't let someone run your life with their hurt feelings either.

These are only a few of the thoughts that could float through your head at any given moment. By keeping your eyes and ears open you can work to eliminate self-doubting thoughts, anticipate problems before they occur, be flexible with alternate solutions to reduce everyone's anxiety, refuse to be upset at the progress you are or aren't making and most importantly persevere through it. If you adopt this one strategy and work at it; although it will be difficult at first; you will eliminate 70% of your self-victimizations and learn to avoid impossible circumstances in the future.

You never have to be hurt, anxious, depressed, resentful or angry when things go againt what you would prefer, because that is how a victim would react.

Until next time-practice understanding that no matter what the task or goal-whether you fail or succeed, is no indicator of who you are as a person.

Giving Your Best Away

It is a fact that we come into the world with nothing and leave it just the same. Yet, we hear popular phrases like 'he who dies with the most toys wins' all the time. In today's society, we are fashioned into the belief that "things" are what give us value and stature- who has the biggest HD TV, the best clothes, the coolest car, etc. But, at the end of the "day", those things will be distributed among your family and friends or just thrown away.

Have you ever given something away? I don't mean that pair of jeans with the rips in them either. When you go through your "things" it is often easier to give something that is "still good" or has "some life left" to someone you know who can use it. Then you feel better about the parting. But have you ever given away your favorite thing? What about that pair of jeans that has been worn enough to feel soft? Maybe your car? In the movie, "Pay It Forward" people do just that, give away a car to a complete stranger. It really is an amazing feeling to give away your Best thing to someone knowing the good it will do them. Sure, it will be difficult at first but after a few times you may find yourself trying to find people to give your Best Things to. I just know this ... has done great for me, he/she will love it.

In time, when practicing giving you best away, you may find that you are really de-cluttering your life and feeling good about it. Maybe your 'collections' will not be about building you up anymore, but rather helping others too. I can't say that I am an expert on this, but I certainly have tried to act this way and not gotten caught up in what society thinks my value is. Just like with anything else, the value is based on how much someone else wants it. People don't want me for my collections. Valuable people have charachter and you can't build character from big-screen TV's.

Being True to Yourself

My motto is say what you mean and mean what you say. Probably the number one most annoying quality that people have today is self-talk not lining up with what comes out of their mouths actually, or their actions.

For instance, answer this question honestly:

When you have more things going on in your busy calendar than you have room for you-

a. get tense, irritable, and try to do everything, devoting a minimal amount of time to each thing, and give nothing your complete attention.

b.calm yourself down by allocating responsibilities to others and give yourself some relaxation time.

Tell me, how many of you looked at answer a and identified with it but wished you were more like b.?

Here's another-

You feel a hunger pang, but you are working at losing weight-

a.You eat something fattening and feel lousy

b.You drink some water then reward yourself for resisting and pat yourself on the back

Again, do you realize how many people I come across everyday that are thinking like b but act like a?

There is a great new book out by Dr.Wayne Dyer (favorite author by the way) called Pulling Your Own Strings. Okay, not a new book, it was originally published back in 1977, but you would marvel at how relevant it still is.

I am sure this will end up being a never-ending blog point for me since it bugs me so much all the time and I see it everywhere everyday.... but for now, my 2 cents.

I was taught, not by my parents necessarily, but nonetheless taught that a man is measured not by his means, money, appearance or the like, but rather by his word. Christians understand this best because they hold Jesus to his word. The words in the Bible for instance.

A man can have all the money, the fame, be the most attractive and more. However, if he is a shady liar, that is what he will be known for.

You don't get to have great friends or family in life without being someone whose word means something, for that is where character is born.

I, for one, would rather have someone honestly tell me they don't like my potato salad at a party, than to eat it in silent disgust with a sourpuss face and bad attitude. They, while forcing themselves to eat what they don't like will give off such a negative presence to me and everyone around that I will get the feeling that I don't want them around anyway. It may take that person months or years to come clean and tell me that all along it was the potato salad that kept us apart! Ugh.

Life can be so easy and importantly stress-free for the most part, if more people would just accept one another and show their true-selves. It is far easier to deal with the truth up-front when it happens, than years later when feelings get in the way.

In the above matter of a and b in those questions I asked, after some time you will find that the people who think like b but act like a, well, they are miserable. They spend too much energy trying to find excuses for why they can't be honest about what they are thinking or feeling that they drain the life out of themselves and lose the point to being here all together. If half the energy was spent being true to themselves, imagine how much happier we all could be.

Until next time,

Instilling Good Self-Esteem in Children

Self-esteem for children, is how they feel about themselves, the good and the bad. This is not one of the things that they gain on their own as they grow, it must be taught. Feelings are best shown when they talk about themselves, their things, toys and pets, friends and families. The largest influence on children is usually the parents and close family. These people are who teach and mold these little people into the adults you see walking around today.

When parents constantly 'put-down' their child, calling the child bad or stupid; whether on purpose, while mad or just by accident; this contributes to bad self-esteem that can continue to adulthood.
Sometimes parents are dominating in all areas, even while playing games with children so their is never any fair competition, the child always is left to feel inferior to the parent.
Telling children to always 'do their best' is fantastic, but make sure they also know that your love and acceptance is not tied to their being the best or perfect.

I have seen many instances where parents are influential with instilling confidence in their children. I would say the number one important factor is acceptance. When you show a child or even an adult that he/she is accepted exactly for whomever they are regardless of mistakes, it allows them to feel secure. Acceptance helps a child realize that mistakes will happen, they will fail and they will still be okay.
Another positive reinforcement technique is to let children have choices and make them as appropriate for their age level. For example, chores might be part of life in your household, but let them choose between emptying the dishwasher and vacuuming carpets. Giving them the tools to think on their own and decide what they want to do will serve two purposes. Children always perform better when doing what they want to and feel better about it and themselves.
Making it clear to children that they are accepted and loved for themselves, not for their performance and allowing them to make decisions over parts of their life teach them to love themselves and take pride in their failures and successes.

When you do the hard work of acceptance daily at home as a parent, you can strengthen your child's self-esteem and prepare him/her for the harsh reality of society. If you do not have a firm handle on your child's esteem you are in for a battle. Society is full of a style of negative thrashings upon children many are not ready for. Women especially are rated for hair color, size, intelligence, status and more. Unfair criticism is part of everyday life in the world outside the home. If you and your children are not steadfast in your beliefs and have instilled in each other self-esteem and acceptance, the battle will be long and hard, maybe even tragic.

Parents do a terrific job protecting their children physically from harm, but often are unaware of the importance of protecting their belief in themselves. Building a strong foundation withing a child will prevent them from using drugs, being swayed to do crimes and most importantly keep them safe from society-induced depression.

What can you do today? Find out what your child is interested in. Really. Could it be that train set of yours in the basement they keep 'getting into'. Instead of getting upset with them, help them get their own set. Help them develop their hobby or interest. Guide them, but give them room to grow. Whether it be trains, cars, dolls, books, comics, stamps, gardening, etc. it's a chance for bonding, acceptance and instilling value and worth in them. Trust me, they will respect you for it later.